Actions speak louder than words. Communication is so key in a relationship, but most people communicate the wrong way. People are always saying people never change, and this is the biggest lie. People do change when they want to, from their own realizations. Stop trying to change your partner with words, then they will want to change and you won’t have had to say a single word.
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The option that most people take in almost every situation is they talk about it. They talk about it, they fight about it, they get defensive about it. Now, sometimes there are great ways to communicate using words, and this method should be used, but I feel it’s used far too often in all of the wrong situations. So again, actions speak louder than words. Not only do their actions speak louder than their words, but yours do too. Most people judge their partner based on their actions. They do something that we don’t like, and we say something about it. “Hey, I don’t like this behavior that you’re doing.” The immediate response is almost always your partner getting defensive, and then you might have a fight, right?
But if you show them what they’re doing wrong, then the chances that they realize that they are hurting you and they want to stop go up. Now let’s take it another step further. Have you ever talked to a smoker? Have you ever said, “Hey, you should quit smoking,” and they say, “Yeah, no, no thanks. I’m a smoker. I like smoking.” Or have you ever been a smoker? I was a smoker. I smoked for 10 years of my life, and every time someone said, “Oh, you know, that’s really bad for you,” I thought, “Hey, that’s none of your business,” right? Because it is none of their business. And I’ve talked to a lot of ex-smokers, and everyone agrees that no one quit smoking until they decide for themselves. They come to the realization for themselves that they really want to stop. No matter how many times people from the outside say they should stop, it will never make them want to stop smoking. Ever. It’s like, “Leave me alone,” you know? How many times smokers get told it’s bad for them? They don’t want to hear it. And every time you say it, it’s like, “God, another person won’t leave me alone.”
When I came to the realization that I wanted to quit, it came from inside of me. And I decided that smoking was no longer something for myself. We can make this happen in relationships too. Think about it. If you tell someone, “Hey, I don’t like the way you acted yesterday because it made me feel this way,” they will get defensive in most cases. But if you show them and they realize, “Oh my God, I just did something that really hurt my partner. I don’t want to do that,” if it becomes a self-realization, they will want to change. People are always saying people never change, and this is the biggest lie. People do change when they want to, from their own realizations, from their own epiphany, from their own ideas, not when it’s told from the outside.
So when a friend or a lover tells a friend or a lover, “Hey, you should change this,” no one wants to change because no one wants unsolicited advice. No one wants unsolicited advice. So why would you then use unsolicited advice as a way to try to change your partner? Stop trying to change your partner with words. If they see what their actions are causing on their own and they come to that realization on their own, then they will want to change, and you won’t have had to say a single word.
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So, how do we do this? Well, there are lots of different actions you can take to make your partner realize that they’re hurting you. A lot of women know this very well. They cry and they cry. They don’t have to say anything; they just cry. And then the guy, in most cases, or maybe not most cases, in my case, I will be like, “Oh my gosh, what did I do to make her sad? What did I do to make my girlfriend sad? I want to fix this.” And then, if they don’t tell me, I will look deep inside and try to find the answer and try to change. And then I’ll even want to explain how I want to change for them.
That’s one way, crying and showing your emotion, but not telling them. You can show sadness. You can show… I wouldn’t show anger, but showing sadness is a great way to get your partner to realize that they’re doing something that’s hurting you. It doesn’t have to be crying.
Now, if your partner is pulling away from you, if they’re becoming distant from you, a way to show them how that’s making you feel is to actually pull away from them even harder. So, if they, for example, don’t reply to your message for a day, maybe don’t reply to their message for two days. I know this is like games, and you don’t want to play games, but it’s not games. Because telling them, “Hey, why don’t you reply to me faster?” or “Hey, I feel hurt when you don’t reply to me faster,” which is probably the best of those options, they’ll be like, “Well, I’m sorry. I was busy, blah blah blah,” if you say it nicely. They’ll say, “I’m sorry, but I was busy,” or they’ll give an excuse, right?
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But if you do it back to them, so many people tell me that this is childish. But I’m not trying to be childish. They were asking for space by taking a long time to reply to you, and you’re respecting that space even more than they wanted you to. And I call this extremely aggressive respect. So, extremely aggressive respect is if they do something like pull away from you, you respect that they need their space, even though they didn’t tell you that they needed their space, and you give them more space than they were trying to get. And then they realize, “Oh, I want to talk to my partner, but my partner’s not responding. How does that make me feel?” And then they start to respect you and reply to you more quickly, and then everything gets better.
I’m not saying this is a one-sided thing. I’m not saying, you know, use these psychological tactics on your boyfriend or your girlfriend to make them comply with your wishes. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying respect them, respect yourself, and in general, people who are having a hard time in relationships aren’t respecting themselves. And all you have to do is respect yourself.
So, there are lots of ways to do this. If you’d like to learn more about actions you can take to stop issues, send me some issues in the comments that you think the only option is maybe talking, and I’ll try to come up with some actions to help you show your partner what they’re doing and make them come to the realization on their own that they want to change. So, I would really love to hear in the comments any issues that you have. You can use a throwaway account so that your partner doesn’t know it’s you. Leave a comment and let me know any possible issues that you are having, and I will try to help you find some actions instead of words.
I have a friend who couldn’t stop asking her boyfriend, “When are we getting married?” I had a girlfriend who couldn’t stop asking me when we were getting married. And every time my girlfriend asked me, “When are we getting married? When are we getting married?” it made me want to marry her less and less. Because words cause defensiveness, which causes people to want to do the opposite of what they’re being told to do. This is something that is inherent in our subconscious mind. It’s not even our logical mind. It’s a subconscious thing that happens. Our subconscious does not want to be told what to do.
The second someone tells us, “You should do this” or “Do this,” even when we tell ourselves to do something, the subconscious rebels. This is why people procrastinate. “I must finish these tasks today.” The subconscious mind automatically goes into rebellion mode and says, “Nah, we should relax. We should go to sleep. We should take a nap. We should rest. We should eat something.” This is the subconscious saying, “I don’t want to be told what to do. Instead, I should do this today. I have to find some kind of reason that it’s really what you want to do, not what you think you need to do today, but what you want to, want to, want to do.” So again, the subconscious always rebels when told what to do, period. This is our stupid subconscious ego.
Stop telling people what to do. Stop asking people to change behaviors. Make them come to the realization on their own. Make people want to change for you because they know it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s what you’re telling them you want. When you tell them what you want, it makes you look selfish, and it makes them think, “Oh my gosh, my girlfriend or boyfriend is being selfish and needy, and I can’t give it to them. I don’t know how to give it to them. I don’t want to do this. This relationship is a pain in the butt.” That’s not what we want. We want the relationship to be fun and enjoyable and full of love and excitement. And when something goes wrong, we want our partners to change for us because they came to the realization that’s what they want to do for you. And that makes them feel good. They’re like, “Ah, I’m changing to be a better boyfriend for my girlfriend. Ah, I’m changing to be a better girlfriend for my boyfriend because I love my boyfriend. I love my girlfriend.” This is what we want. And this is done with actions instead of words because actions not only speak louder than words but work better than words.
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